


Have Your Cake and Eat It Too

by ArtieStroke



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/F, F/M, Internalized Transphobia, M/M, Multi, Other, Suicidal Thoughts, Trans Female Character, What else is new, also very brief, and i just wanted to address that, but don't worry it's pretty brief, but mostly this is gonna be june discovering herself, dirk is scared and desperate, jane has some trauma to work through, real talk i wanna give june a girlfriend but i'll discover who that is in writing, various other characters - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-13
Updated: 2020-06-24
Packaged: 2020-12-14 07:10:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 19,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21011798
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArtieStroke/pseuds/ArtieStroke
Summary: Your name is John Egbert and you just got done smashing your phone due to little green twerps trying to start shit. This is the first time you've felt really passionate about something in a long time, and that thought actually manages to get through to you. How long are you gonna let yourself stay in this funk?





	1. Act One: The Cracking of the Egg-Bert

Today is April 13th, year... something-something post-game. You really haven't been keeping track of time all that well.

You haven't been keeping track of a lot of things, lately.

Your name is JOHN EGBERT and you haven't felt like yourself in a while. Something beyond the obvious bothers you about that statement, but you've yet to put your finger on it. 

You take a deep breath, and look at the smashed screen of your phone. Well, that was a bit of an overreaction- it's not like that does anything to the green sonuvabitch on the other side. Now you're down one phone, good job. At least you can just easily alchemize another, or probably just have your Ecto-Nana Jane send you one-

Oh.

Today's not just your birthday, is it?

How long has it been since you've spoken to any of your friends? Maybe once or twice in the last few months? And aside from that, Jane's family- maybe not like someone you grew up with, but still. And you've missed how many birthdays, now? 

God, how do you think she feels about that? Your stomach twists up in knots. Classic fucking Egbert, not giving a thought to what he does. Stupid, stupid!

You're grinding your teeth together, one hand pinching the bridge of your nose. No, it's okay- it's only... three hours past noon? Maybe there's still time, maybe you can make it up somehow.

But you certainly aren't going out dressed like this- sweaty tee shirt and pajama pants is no way to try and socialize. A quick look around your room and you realize that laundry might need to be your second priority, just as soon as you can convince your friends that, yes, you ARE a functioning member of society and not a sad sack stuck in his room, spending day after day trying to distract yourself from your own thoughts. 

One alchemizing session and a healthy bottling of emotions later, you're at least presentable- you're gonna need to shave and proooooooobably shower before you head out, and you still don't have any sort of peace-offering to bring to any potential party. What do you get for the Nana/Grandaughter that already has a successful business on Earth C? Gotta be something heartfelt, something genuine.

You're ruminating over this as you pick up your newly alchemized phone, and hover over your contacts list.

Hoo boy. This is gonna be difficult. You'd much rather pop up and surprise everyone rather than give a heads up, but maybe it would be better to ease this whole thing rather than fumble it in your classic Egbert way.

You tap on Dave's name and start to type.

EB: hey, dave! been a while!

EB: i don't suppose you know if the gang is gonna be uh

EB: i dunno celebrating at jane's place or something today?

EB: thought i'd drop by or something

You wait. Tense seconds seem to stretch on for hours in your head. God, how long has it been since you last messaged Dave? What if he's pissed at you for cutting everyone off like that? What if- the phone dings and you see a new message.

TG: yeah dude me and karkat have been chilling here for like half an hour already

TG: shits god damn abysmal you feel me all the corporate decor of a vaporwave album with none of the underlying irony

TG: i thought you already knew about this coulda sworn i texted you

TG: you lose your phone or something its been a hot second

You release a breath you didn't realize you were holding. That definitely could've gone a lot worse. 

EB: haha something like that! 

EB: it might take me a bit to get over there, i uh.... 

EB: still need to figure out what to bring. whoops. 

EB: XB 

TG: its chill 

TG: i mean maybe 

TG: i aint jane so maybe shell do some kind of flip if youre coming by empty handed 

TG: cant tell a god damn thing about some of these dudes lately 

TG: all running corporations high and mighty like we even need more dough swimming in it like a bunch of old scottish ducks as it is 

TG: but shit man its gonna be hells of good to see you again been way too long 

EB: yeah! 

EB: i'll be there soon as i can bullshit something up, lol. 

TG: fuck yeah 

You lean against the kitchen counter, locking your phone and pocketing it. Alright, well you're obligated now. No weaseling out of this one! But the issue of gifts is still unsolved. As you think it over, your eyes slowly start to drift over to the oven, then around to the pantry, and back again. You hum, walking over and cracking open the door- as expected, you find boxes of cake mix, still unopened. 

An idea firms up in your brain. 

* * *

You shift nervously from one foot to the other, grimacing as you check the cake in your sylladex. Stupid icing melting off the stupid thing, this was a mistake. Could have easily just gotten a store bought one, URGH! 

You take a deep breath, and let it out slowly. It's done, it's over, whatever- might as well deal with what you've got. Ignoring your hesitation, you raise a fist and knock on the door- took a bit over an hour to get everything ready to arrive, and now the sun has started to lean closer to the horizon than overhead. Hopefully someone's still here- 

The door opens, and like looking at some kind of weird mirror, Jane is standing there. Even in the comforts of her own home, she's wearing a killer business suit that gives off an air of... er... business. Wait, is this party supposed to be fancy dress? Your clothes are new, for sure, but they're definitely not business-casual. Her eyes are wide, mouth open in a small 'o' in shock. 

Jane: John! This is... well, this is certainly a surprise! 

That twinge in your gut starts up again, but you grin through it. You must be feeling more guilty than you thought. 

EB: haha, yeah it's uhhhh... been a bit! 

EB: sorry i missed your last birthday, and- 

Jane: Well, don't just stand out there like a stranger! Come in, come in! 

Jane beckons you through the door, and you shuffle inside. Her place is... somehow swanky and yet reminds you of your own house at the same time? Like someone got a mansion, but was definitely trying their hardest to make it less intimidating. It's probably not quite as successful at that as Jane hopes. 

Before you get much further, you turn back to her. 

EB: oh, uh- i brought something! 

EB: i'm not as good at this as you are, but.... 

EB: happy birthday! 

You present her your artifact of confection, and Jane blinks a few times. She puts a hand to her mouth, smiling at you with almost parental warmth. 

Jane: John, that's... 

Jane: Well, maybe your icing technique could use a little brushing up, but that's very sweet of you! 

Jane: This actually means a lot to me, thank you! 

Before you can register it, she's got you in a one armed hug, the other carefully balancing your gift. You're a little shocked, and awkwardly return the hug. God, what is up with you today? Surely you haven't COMPLETELY forgotten how to be close to other people? 

Jane: I'm going to bring this to the kitchen, everyone else is in the parlor! 

Jane: It's just to the right outside the foyer- oh, and if you need to head upstairs for any reason, make sure to leave your shoes! 

Jane: The carpets are an absolute pain to clean. 

EB: oh- right, yeah, sure! 

EB: hey, i'm not under dressed for this, yeah? 

Jane gives you a quick look up and down, before waving a hand. 

Jane: Oh, heavens no, don't worry about it! 

Jane: You certainly aren't the least casually dressed one here, hoo hoo! 

She gives you another smile, and heads, presumably, to the kitchen. Alright, good, okay- things are going okay. You're... relieved. Some part of you was still expecting someone to get mad at you for dropping off the face of Earth C for as long as you did. Though, you suppose the night is still young, and there's a whole room of friends you haven't spoken to in a long ass time you still gotta deal with. You draw in a shaky breath, and proceed onward.

The sounds of light chatter backed by faint smooth jazz pick up pretty much as soon as you exit the foyer, and after a single, short hallway you've found the parlor. Hardwood floors complementing the vintage looking wallpaper, various paintings and photos lining the walls that you're pretty sure match the ones your dad put up in your own house for the most part, and some of the plushest looking recliners and chairs you've seen. Jane sure knows how to decorate, it seems. You definitely catch sight of more than a few familiar faces gathered, but there are new faces, as well- some carapacians and humans that, you assume, must be some of Jane's coworkers? You're not quite sure how that phrase applies to the CEO, but whatever. 

You spot Dave and Karkat standing together by the appetizers. Dave is holding a plate absolutely loaded up with cocktail shrimp. Karkat's face is stuffed with food already chewed-up enough to be unrecognizable, but you're pretty sure it's more shrimp. You take a step forward. 

Roxy: o. m. G! joooooooooohn! 

-And you are immediately taken by a friend-contact fakeout, as Roxy Lalonde wraps an arm around your shoulders and starts giving you a most righteous noogie. She's beaming with absolute delight, and just past her you see Calliope standing primly and a little apologetically. Their looks couldn't be more different, with Calliope dressed up to the nines with some galaxy-themed dress ensemble, while Roxy is just sporting one of her cat shirts with ripped-off sleeves and capris. 

EB: ack, hey- ow, come on, quit it! 

Roxy: nah, u had it comin nerd 

Roxy: its whatchu get 4 pullin that disappearin act! 

EB: how are you doing that with your mouth? 

Roxy just grins at you and gives you a mysterious wink. She's not telling. The ways of the Lalondes are mysterious and ephemeral, and not to be understood by nerds like yourself. You just kind of hang there in her headlock and accept your fate, face burning. This is DEFINITELY kinda awkward for you, for at least three reasons you could name right now. 

Thankfully, a few of your friends have noticed your plight by now, and are making their way over. Dave's plate of endless shrimp is forgotten, with Karkat scuttling behind him. You also notice Rose and Kanaya walking in step towards your little kerfuffle. Where were they hanging out this whole time? 

Dave: yo stop manhandling my best bro 

Dave: shits mega embarrassing look at him 

Dave: hes like putty in your grip cant even fight back come on john youre making us beta chads look bad 

Rose: Roxy, would you please release my friend so I can greet him properly? 

Roxy blows a raspberry, but complies. You stumble just a little, quickly straightening up. The silence between you all seems to stretch forever, but soon Dave takes a step forward. His face is placid, eyes hidden behind his trademark shades. You scratch your head. 

EB: haha, uhhhhhhhh... i made it? 

He reaches out a hand, places it on your shoulder, and slightly lowers his shades. What is going on? 

Dave: hey 

EB: what are you doing with your voice? 

A small smile finally cracks his facade, and he shrugs. 

Dave: cant a dude express his feelings about missing his best bro in a subtle and memeable way these days 

Dave: damn dude get with the times havent you seen spiderverse 

EB: spider what? 

Instead of answering your question, Dave just pulls you into a hug. Sure is a lot of physical contact going on today; it's almost like your friends actually missed and maybe even worried about you. 

Karkat: WOW, WHAT AM I YESTERDAY'S GRUBLOAF? GET A FUCKING HIVE, YOU TWO. 

Kanaya: Karkat Dont Be An Ass 

Karkat waves a hand dismissively, making a disgusted face. 

Karkat: I AM NOT "Being An Ass" I AM TRYING TO BRING SOME LEVITY TO THE SITUATION. 

Karkat: READ THE ROOM KANAYA, THESE IDIOT WIGGLERS ARE JUST GONNA STAND AROUND THE WHOLE TIME CRYING OR SOMETHING 

Karkat: YES, WE GET IT, EGBERT FINALLY LEFT THE HOUSE, WE'RE ALL VERY PROUD AND MISSED HIM 

EB: yeah, haha, i missed you too. 

Karkat stops his rant, looking you dead in the eye. His mouth is a thin line, and he seems to be seriously studying your face. You're starting to wonder what the hell is going on with him, and his lip starts quivering. 

Karkat: DON'T DO THIS TO ME, YOU INSUFFERABLE NOOKHOLE! 

Karkat quickly joins in on the hug sesh going on, eyes watering and streaming his- oh my god, is he wearing eyeliner? Oh, you dramatic bitch. You pat Karkat softly on the back and shoot a look over at Rose. She's smirking a little bit, but less of an insufferable know-it-all smirk and more of a "this is such a cute situation you've gotten yourself into, Egbert" smirk. 

Rose: It's good to see you, John. 

And there's that weird gut-wrench again, what is going on with you? You manage a smile, gesturing with your head. 

EB: well, join in, rose. the feels are happening. 

Rose: Hahaha, oh that's funny. 

Rose: Thank you, but I think I must decline. You might want to check with your physician after such prolonged physical contact with those two. 

Rose: If the state of their home is anything to go off of, you've probably caught something. 

Dave: uncool 

Karkat: YEAH, FUCK YOU 

You snicker a bit at all this, and eventually extricate yourself from the iron grip of the Strider-Vantas household. And now comes the hardest part of this little reunion. 

EB: so, what's everyone been up to this past year? 

* * *

Rose: -and they were roommates. 

EB: oh my god, they were roommates? 

Dave and Karkat both look a tad miffed as Rose started to spill the hot goss about Jade's brief stints crashing on their couch while she went off to travel. 

Dave: aight actually fuck this shit i dont gotta subject myself to this heap of embarrassment i got a plate full of shrimp and a stomach full of empty to see myself to cmon karkat 

And with that, Dave grabs Karkat’s hand and drags him back to the buffet. Roxy gives Rose a little frown, one elbow on your shoulder as she basically uses you as a wall to look mature leaning against. 

Roxy: rosie, u kno u shouldnt bully ur little bro like that. max uncool. 

The awkward silence strikes again, as Rose grimaces at Roxy’s ironic maternal act. She clears her throat, and looks to her wife.

Rose: Dear, I think I could use a breath of fresh air, care to join me? 

Kanaya: Oh Of Course 

Aaaaaaaand there they go. Now it’s just you, Roxy, and Calliope. Roxy huffs, crossing her arms, and Calliope pats her on the shoulder. 

Calliope: there, there, yoU were only trying to lighten the mood. 

Roxy: yeah, an look how fuckin GOOOOD that went! cant any of us just stick around together or some shit? they’re always goin off to their own new little gangs or whatevs. shit STINKS! 

Sure enough, you look around at all the little cliques that have formed in Jane’s parlor- and while Rose and Dave avoiding each other at the moment seems at least a little justified, it’s really hitting you now that you’re not the only one who seems to be cutting yourself off from everyone else. Jane is chatting up her work friends, Dave and Karkat have once again sequestered away in the buffet, Rose and Kanaya exchange hushed words by a bookshelf. Jade apparently didn’t make it, but stranger still is that you don’t even see Dave’s bro or Jade’s grandpa anywhere. 

Your frown deepens. Seeing everyone apart like this kind of just... fucking blows. 

Roxy: john, u ok?

You close your eyes, holding back a grimace. Honestly, if you can’t even lie convincingly about it then why bother?

EB: i don’t... i don’t know. 

EB: there’s some kind of funk going on and i don’t really...

EB: god, how long has it been like this?

Roxy’s doing her best to downplay her concern, but she’s only marginally better at hiding her feelings than you. 

Roxy: i mean... 4 a bit, yeah? rose an kanaya started kinda driftin off when they got married, then u stopped textin back...

Roxy: dirks always been kinda aloof and shit, y’kno

Roxy: he tries! like, a lot- even if jake’s gotta drag his ass to social gatherins when he gets too deep in cold metal robo-heiny

Roxy: even janey-

She stops, looking over at the woman in question. There’s conflict and sadness on her face, breaking through her attempt to be the strong one here.

Roxy: she throws these parties, invites all a us here, and doesnt even say more than like 2 words at us...

You really feel like shit. You should have tried harder- put yourself out there even if you felt like you were just floating through life after SBURB, feeling more and more fake every day. If you had kept it up, would everyone else have stuck around? If you stuck around, would someone else have maybe actually picked up on your bullshit?

God, are you depressed?

You’re open your mouth to say something, but how do you even start here? Fortunately (or maybe unfortunately?) your brain is interrupted by a body skidding right into the doorframe of the parlor’s entrance. A very out of breath Jake English is standing there, all dressed up and apparently with somewhere to be. That somewhere being here.

Jake: Great gadzooks im so sorry im late!

Jake: Might have lost track of time there for a moment!

A second afterwards, Dirk Strider comes into view, much less dressed up than his- are they boyfriends? You remember them being strangely evasive about it last time you heard someone ask.

Dirk: Apologies. Got a bit too deep in cold, metallic robo-heiny.

Their ruckus certainly drew attention from most of the gathered folks. Rose looks like she's getting a headache. Dave glances over at the pair, then back to Karkat, shrugs and continues to gather up free shrimp. How does he keep finding shrimp? The platter should be empty by now, at the rate they're going at. 

Jane's hands are planted firmly on her hips as she marches towards the two latecomers, a stern look of disapproval on her face.

Jane: Do either of you have any idea what time it is? 

Jane: Shame on the two of you, making me wait so long! 

Jane: >:B 

Jake tugs at the collar of his shirt, looking apologetic. Dirk simply pulls out his phone.

Dirk: Oof, yeah we fucked up big time here. 

Dirk: Before you have us rightfully summarily executed, let me just text my bro my last wishes.

His thumbs fly across the screen. A moment later, Dave pulls out his phone. His expression remains neutral, as he turns and shouts across the room to his bro-dad, making extra sure his voice is as toneless and deadpan as possible.

Dave: hahaha wow that joke is still just as funny the first time you said it 

Dave: yeah hold up lemme just pull out the sword i havent used in like two years and decapitate you so you can get out of this situation 

Dave: very cool love it 10/10 definitely a joke i dont absolutely god damn despise

You're pretty sure he's being sarcastic. Jane lets out a breath, laughing a little.

Jane: Well, don't just stand there like a bunch of goofuses. The party's already started, as you can see.

Dirk: Oh shit, nah I didn't even notice.

Jane rolls her eyes, and Dirk pulls something from his sylladex with a quick rap. It looks like a DVD case?

Dirk: Oh, anyways- I made you something. Give it a watch when you've got the time.

Jane raises both her eyebrows, taking the DVD and squinting at it suspiciously.

Jane: Dirk Strider, what have you done to my favorite television series?

Dirk: WAFO, my good bitch.

Jane: >:B

You find yourself being dragged along as Roxy makes her way over to the rest of the Alpha crew, a broad smile on her face and a tight grip around your wrist.

Roxy: DIIIIIIRK!

Roxy: bout fuckin time you got your ass here!

Jake: Roxy!

Dirk: Roxy.

Dirk holds out a fist to bump, and Roxy doesn't leave him hanging. There's the smallest of trademark Strider grins on his face.

And then he turns to you, and hesitates. You swallow.

Dirk: Egbert.

Dirk: You're... here.

Dirk: What's the occasion?

EB: haha, uh... jane's birthday?

You can see a single eyebrow rise above his pointy anime shades. There's something just a little unnerving about the man- maybe it's just you conflating too much of what Dave's Bro did with him, but you can't shake the weird feeling in your gut.

Dirk: Well, yeah, obviously.

Dirk: You just tend not to attend these types of gatherings, is all.

EB: i just, uh... felt like a change of pace.

Dirk: Huh.

He nods, and starts walking past you, clapping you on the shoulder in an attempt to be friendly, you guess? It honestly just kind of weirds you out.

Dirk: Well, either way- good to see you.

Dirk: Give me a bit, before my bro eats literally every shrimp in this joint.

You're more than okay with letting him leave the conversation. Jake beams at you, giving a thumbs up.

Jake: Jolly good to see you john!

Jake: Youve been a right hard fellow to get a hold of these past few months!

EB: haha, that certainly is an objectively true thing you've said!

Jake laughs, a loud belly-laugh, genuinely tickled by your thinly veiled attempt to not draw attention to your perhaps newly discovered depressive tendencies. Roxy and Jane both look less amused, and you try your best not to break under their x2 womanly intuition gaze combo.

You're starting to feel like this is going to be a long, long party.

* * *

It's been a little over four hours, and the time is now 8 pm. All in all, you've decided... this hasn't been that bad, actually? Definitely some rough patches- patches you think you might have to work extra hard with Roxy to bridge between all your friends- but for the most part it's felt nice to just...

Be with your friends.

Shocking, really.

You've slipped away from conversation for a little bit, nursing a glass of punch by the punch bowl. Baby steps, at least. 

You take a sip. It's nice and fruity, a classic flavor you've had at many birthday parties in the past. And thankfully, totally non-alcoholic. You're pretty sure that's both for Rose and Roxy's benefit, but truthfully you still hadn't developed much of a taste for the stuff. 

Jane walks up next to you, grabbing a cup and pouring herself some of the bright red beverage. She gives you a polite nod, and takes a sip.

EB: uh, hey-

Jane: Mm? 

EB: thanks for not, like... turning me away at the door, or anything. 

She gives you a bewildered look.

Jane: What? John, what gave you the impression that I would do such a thing?

You kind of just shrug, not really looking at her.

EB: i dunno, i just... i haven't exactly been all that present.

EB: i was kinda scared that every one might be

EB: mad at me?

Jane stares at you for a long, LONG time, before setting down her cup. Her expression is one of the most serious ones you've seen on her face.

Jane: John.

There it IS again- is it your name? Is that what's been eating at your gut this whole time? What is even up with your fucking name? God, it's like the single most boring, average, dude name out there. Is that what this is? Your name just being so... painfully boring???

Jane: John, is something wrong?

You take in a sharp breath of air, and continue avoiding her gaze, staring at your own reflection in your glass of punch. After everything, is that still you?

EB: i think... i think i'm depressed?

Jane: O-oh.

You hazard a glance over at her. There's something worryingly maternal in her expression. God, please don't just stand there, staring at you with pity. You do NOT need that, right now.

Jane: Have you... told anyone else this?

You shake your head. Silence drowns the both of you, and she takes another sip of her punch. 

After a few moments, Jane starts fiddling with her sylladex.

Jane: Listen, I might not be a psychologist, but...

Jane: John, you're family, alright? 

Jane: If you need a shoulder or anything, please- do talk to me, okay? 

You nod, feeling even smaller than before. There's a barely audible notification, and you look back to Jane- she's set a new cake down on the table. It looks just a tad familiar.

Jane: If nothing else, I know having a sweet or two makes me feel better when I'm at my lowest. 

She's already bitten into a slice of the cake you made, now somewhat re-frosted, and smiles at you.

Jane: It's honestly quite good! Just need to remember to let the cake cool before you ice it.

You let out a small chuckle.

EB: maybe i can drop by later and you can give me a few pointers?

Jane blinks, and then remembers to swallow.

Jane: That sounds like an excellent idea.

Jane: Have just a day to do some family bonding?

Jane: I'd like that very much, actually.

There's almost something... urgent, to her voice. A kind of familiar urgency. Just how lonely is it at the top, Jane Crocker?

You find yourself nodding, and grabbing a slice of your cake with a newfound enthusiasm.


	2. Chapter 2

TG: d*de

TG: br*

TG: i think i ate too much shrimp

Your eyes slide over the first two lines of text, directly to the meat of the message. You’ve woken up before noon for the first time in… quite a while, in spite of going home absolutely exhausted last night. Misery may love company, but it turns out company can really help in kicking misery’s ass when you put in the effort. 

Wait, is that the original intent of that saying? Bluh, whatever. Your phone buzzes again, reminding you that your best bro Dave is seeking your attention. 

But you’ve got a face to shave first. Jesus, didn’t you just shave this thing yesterday? Why’s it gotta grow back so fast? You’re so glad your dad instilled proper shaving technique in you at a young age.

You really miss your dad. Is it really a wonder you may be depressed? You were right there when...

...

... Stupid fucking video game. 

You rinse the razor blade, and shoot Dave a quick text back.

EB: haha you really were going to town on that buffet!

TG: im full of so many things right now man

TG: regrets

TG: bullshit

TG: dope ass beats

TG: but mostly im just full of shrimp

TG: j*hn please decapitate me its the only way

TG: damn legit i think i understand this joke and appreciate it now more than ever guess dirks like ten steps ahead on the irony humor game

TG: fucking figures

You roll your eyes, and splash on some aftershave. It’s got an inoffensive, generically clean kind of scent to it, much like the Barbasol you continue to use in honor of your late father. 

You take a look at yourself in the mirror. You sure do look like… somebody. Bluh. You finger your hair a little- it’s getting longer, but you just don’t feel like cutting it. You can just tie it back into a bun or something, that’ll have to do for now.

Another text alert sounds, and you’re surprised to see that it isn’t Dave this time.

GG: J*hn, it’s Jane! I’ve penciled out a few meetings today to drop by!

GG: Hope you’re ready for a day of confectionary delight, buster!

GG: ;B

Oh. Wow that was… a pretty quick turnaround there. You begin to smile, before your eyes bug out in panic. You look around the bathroom- unwashed clothes everywhere. And you know this isn’t the only pile of them. You think back to the dirty dishes still in the sink from yesterday’s impromptu cake baking. The layer of dust surely covering the mantle.

You snatch your phone, furiously typing out a message.

EB: wow uh hey jane holy shit that was quick!

EB: haha wow are you sure you don’t wanna make that more of a future thing? those meetings sure sound important!

Sweat drips down your forehead.

GG: J*hn, don’t be silly- Crockercorp isn’t going to collapse if I take an extra day off.

GG: Is everything okay?

EB: peachy! absolutely okay! haha why even ask that????????

GG: Well, I couldn’t turn around at this point anyways, we’re pulling up the drive as we speak!

You dart to your room- sure enough a very familiar white car is rolling into your driveway. Oh shit. Oh fuck. How much can you clean in the next ten seconds? Wait, why don’t you just retcon-

You immediately shake that thought from your head. Absolutely not. It’s out of the question. A grimace crosses your face. 

Well, looks like you’re just going to have to face the music here. A knock echoes through the house, and you slowly make your way down the stairs. You understand loneliness, but you’re really wishing you had more of a heads up. Though, looking back on your thoughts about attending yesterday’s party, it seems like fair turnabout. 

You crack the door open, expression sheepish as you try and smile at Jane.

EB: uh, hey jane.

Jane smiles at you, one arm supporting a brown paper bag filled with what must be cake ingredients, and brings you into a one armed hug.

Jane: Hello, J*hn. I hope this isn’t too much of a bother!

You start to talk, and Jane is already halfway through the door. She blinks a little as she takes in the state of the house.

EB: haha, no i mean-

EB: well, i do wish i had a little more time to clean up first.

Jane nods, a small frown on her face.

Jane: Right, I see- well, I guess we’re going to have to take care of a few things before we get started!

Jane: Dad, do you need any help getting anything else out of the car?

Jane calls out back to the car, and you stand up a little straighter. Turning back to the doorway, you see a very familiar, tall figure absolutely loaded up with groceries- bags upon bags on each bicep. The mangrit on this guy- well, if he’s anything like your dad, then it’s insane. And he is like your dad. Practically the same person, just a universe to the left.

He calls back to his daughter, reassuring her that he can handle the rest. Jane takes it at face value, and starts heading to the kitchen. Mr. Crocker manages to get the car door closed, groceries in either arm as he makes his way to the door.

He gives you a kind, fatherly nod, and you stand aside to let him in. He says it’s been a while, kiddo. You shrug and play it off- just a lot on your mind, you guess. He nods at that, looking around the room. He can see that, he says. You laugh, halfway between nervous and resigned. He asks if the kitchen is in the same place. You point to the saloon doors separating it from the living room, and he thanks you. 

He and Jane pass each other; as one man enters, one girl leaves. She stretches, cracking her knuckles.

Jane: Well, this certainly isn’t the biggest mess I’ve dealt with. Let’s get to work, J*hn!

* * *

You sit on top of the washing machine, on the second of three loads you’ve divvied up. Jane decided to take over the more challenging projects first, like the kitchen, and as soon as she whipped it into shape Mr. Crocker started baking. The scent of cake wafts through the house, combined with floral cleaners. It’s familiar, and a little bittersweet. 

As for you, Jane damn near ordered you to take it easy and keep an eye on the lower maintenance projects. The girl has a keen eye for management- even if she started with the business sense of a teenager, it’s no wonder Crockercorp managed to take off so well in a world that doesn’t even really need money. Well, that and the fact it was headed by a god.

Your phone buzzes in your back pocket- another text from Dave.

TG: yo hey can i ask a favor 

TG: im up in a real bind here itd be really solid of you 

TG: and im not talking about the decapitation thing ive changed my mind it blows again

EB: what’s up?

TG: aight so jades back from her most recent vacation or sojourn or whatever

TG: dont get me wrong i love the girl

TG: best pal in the world right after you

TG: but i am just not vibing with it right now dig

Well, that certainly is… coincidental. You’d like to blame it on the fact that she’s off gallivanting across the globe, but Jade’s the one person from your group you haven’t spoken to the longest, and deep down you know that’s on you. 

TG: like maximum antivibes going on here

TG: the antithesis of her wavelength crashing into each other and cancelling out with world shaking force

TG: like an opera singer hitting that pitch and shattering the champagne glass that is my emotional state right now

EB: that doesn’t sound very cash money of you, dave.

EB: but i also miss jade a lot so i won’t tell her you’re just foisting her off on me ;B

TG: oh thank god

You exit from the conversation, pulling up Jade’s contact info. The last text between you two was over a year ago, on your previous birthday. Jeez…

EB: i heard you’re back in town!

EB: me and jane are having kind of a family get together over at my place, if you wanna hang out!

EB: it’s been fun!

EB: okay actually it’s mostly just been deep cleaning my house, but you know.

You stare at the screen, seconds ticking by. The little reply speech bubble pops up.

GG: john??!!

GG: oh my god, its been forever!!!

You wince- your own name somehow catching you off guard- and groan a little before texting back.

EB: yeah, that’s my bad.

EB: i’m really sorry about that, jade.

GG: well, i forgive you ;)

GG: im actually hanging with dave and karkat right now, buuut…

GG: since its been so long, yeah i can totally come by!!

GG: gosh, ive been so busy lately i need to tell you everything ive seen going around earth c!

EB: i can’t wait to hear it in person!

GG: :D

The washer winds down, slowing its roll, but the dryer still has a few minutes to go. 

GG: since its going to be at least three of our family, should i text jake and see if he wants to hang too?

You give that some thought. You know Jake is pretty busy in the consort kingdom these days, and you really wouldn’t want to impose. Would it be kinda weird for Jane? It would probably be weird for Jane.

EB: i think that might be a bit weird for jane if he also showed up out of the blue.

EB: i don’t want to force the issue if he’s busy!

GG: he is a pretty busy guy these days.

GG: i wish I could hang out with him more :(

GG: i know hes not exactly my grandpa, but the thought of being able to go one an adventure or two with him is nice, you know?

EB: well, the only adventure i’ve got here is “what’s hiding under my sink” :P

GG: heehee!

GG: certainly sounds like the most dangerous adventure ive encountered yet!

EB: hey!

You hear a tapping at the back door and jolt with surprise, startled from your position atop the washer. Your sister is right outside, grinning through the screen door, with her white, fluffy tail wagging behind her. It’s still a little weird to think about- her… unique experience going god tier. Sometimes you wonder how things would have gone differently with your own. If you just happened to have a dead version of yourself prototyped in your sprite, would you just have had some weird built-in jester bullshit? Or maybe it would have been some ungodly combination of you and your actual Nanna from your universe. Haha, wow that’s weird to think about. 

You've barely got the door open before she crashes into you, sweeping you into a firm hug. 

Jade: j*hn!

EB: ack!

Jade giggles, and eventually relents, sweet oxygen refilling your lungs. She’s grinning at you- god, you really missed your sister, actually. You feel more than a little stupid drifting apart from her most of all. She’s bouncing on the balls of her feet, hands clasped behind her back as she asks an important question.

Jade: so, what got you out of the house mister grumpy pants?

You suck in a breath through your teeth, scratching your neck.

EB: uh, i guess kind of 

EB: ehhhhhhhh, it’s dumb.

Jade: ?

EB: i just got a stupid snap from someone shitty and i just kinda realized i hadn’t really…

EB: felt strongly about anything for a while?

EB: that’s kinda fucked up, right?

Jade’s face has slowly been changing from joy to concern during your short diatribe. Your own panic starts to rise inside- abort, abort! This is supposed to be a nice get-together, why do you suck so much????????

EB: hey, it’s no big deal! just a brief little funk, haha!

Jade: j*hn.

Boy your name is really starting to grate on your nerves. Jade’s brow furrows further- damn are you that easy to read? You release a sigh- not the deepest one you’ve done, but a pretty deep one.

EB: okay, maybe it’s not all fine.

EB: but i don’t want to make this a whole big “everyone pity egbert” party!

EB: i invited you over because i missed my sister.

Jade: well yeah!

Jade: but youre my br*ther too, of course im gonna be a little concerned!

She’s not in the wrong there, that’s for sure. Urgh, emotions suck. They suck and are complicated and you just don’t want to confront them!

EB: i really just don’t have all the answers i need to confront this yet.

EB: does that make sense?

Jade frowns, but relents with a nod.

Jade: i guess so…

Jane: J*hn, is that Jade I hear?

You turn back towards the living room, cupping your hands around your mouth and calling back.

EB: yeah, she’s back in town so i invited her over too!

Jane: Oh goodness!

Jane steps into view, hands encased in thick rubber gloves. She gives Jade a wave, smiling, and Jade returns in kind. 

Jane: Well better scrub up there, dearie! This whole place has become quite the project!

Jade: haha ill bet!

You groan, pinching your nose. Cool, great. Always getting heckled by the girls in your life. 

Jane: My dad’s got a chocolate cake in the oven right now- oh, is chocolate okay for you? What with the…

Jane nods at Jade’s ears, and she shrugs.

Jade: yeah chocolate is fine! honestly, just because ive got ears and a tail doesnt mean im suddenly bound by all the rules of dogs!

Jade: bec is like… a quarter of me? its fine.

Jane: Just wanted to make sure!

The three of you head back to the kitchen, where the aforementioned adultiest adult in the house is truly baking up a storm. He catches sight of Jade out of the corner of his eye, and gives a nod. He says it’s good to see her back home- did she have fun abroad? Jade launches into a spirited dialogue, detailing her travels. Seeing the sights of the world from before that managed to survive the transfer between two separate universes, meeting new people. It all sounds very nice.

Jade: i had a lot of fun in the troll kingdom- i uh

Jade: i maaay have met someone there?

You suddenly start paying attention.

EB: met someone?

Jade: yeah! like uh

Jade: i dont think they really wanted anything too serious 

Jade: and surprisingly i was pretty okay with that?

Jane makes a face, stripping the gloves from her hands. Jade doesn’t see, but you definitely caught it in the moment. What was that about?

Jane: In the troll kingdom.

Jade nods.

Jade: yeah!

Jade: aside from davesprite i… never really tried exploring relationships, really.

Jade: it was nice :)

Jane hums, washing her hands and then preparing another box of cake mix.

Jane: Well, I’d be more careful. You’re a wonderful person, Jade- don’t go getting your heart broken.

Jade rolls her eyes.

Jade: i mean, i kind of heard a little bit about your own escapades already, jane.

Jade: :P 

Jane: Yes, well you can see my caution then!

Jade: honestly, i think you just need to try kissing more girls ;P

Jane nearly fumbles the packet of cake mix, her face redder than her corporate logo. 

You try to hold back a snicker. You really do.

Instead you double over, cackling as you wrap your arms around your chest. Mr. Crocker makes a half hearted plea for Jade to not absolutely wreck his daughter’s shit, as she may never recover from such a burn. Jane stomps her foot, glaring and pointing at her dad, like that’s very rich coming from him, when was the last time he went on a date, huh?

He asks if she really wants to know about her dad’s romantic life, and the instant paling of her face says everything. Jade continues to giggle, but gives you a questioning look.

Jade: and what about you, huh j*hn?

Jade: from what ive heard, youre not exactly out there being a total lady killer either ;P

Your laughter quickly ends, and you straighten back up a tad. Jane shoots Jade a glare.

Jane: Jade, look what you’ve done- J*hn is going through some troubles right now, now is not the time for that kind of japery.

Jade: hey, i already knew that! h* already told me about h*s whole funk deal, i was just trying to keep the mood light!

Jane: Well, clearly that’s not helping h*m- J*hn, are you alright?

Jade: j*hn, im so sorry, i didnt-

Your eyes are screwed shut. Your jaw is clenched, you just want to disappear right now-

You feel a pair of firm, fatherly hands on your shoulders, as Jane and Jade’s voices cut off. You open your eyes, but just a tad- you must have been squeezing them shut so hard you started to tear up. Dad motions the two ladies to simmer down, saying giving them some space. He looks you in the eye, a warm expression of fatherly concern on his face, and quietly asks what’s wrong. You say it’s going to sound stupid. He says that’s alright, sport- he just wants to help you feel better, even if you think it’s silly.

EB: i

EB: i really kinda hate the sound of my own name?

EB: see, that sounds so stupid.

Dad says that’s fine, and asks why you’re feeling that way about it.

EB: i dunno!

EB: it’s like

EB: wow, john- that sure is the single most boring dude name a dude can have, huh!

EB: it’s a stupid name, alright? like i’m not just john of guy or whatever, it’s-

EB: i don’t know…

Jane has one eyebrow raised as high as she can manage, while Jade slowly nods. Dad asks if you’d like to be called something else, at the moment? You think for a moment, shaking your head.

EB: i really don’t know, i kinda only started noticing that it was bothering me like… last night. 

Dad nods, saying that’s totally fine champ. Just let them all know if you pick out something new- it’s a new universe after all, why not reinvent yourself? You don’t need to just bring all the baggage from your history with you. 

Huh. That doesn’t sound like such a bad idea, if you’re being totally honest. A new you seems… nice.

You hear the distant ding of the dryer finishing up, and make for the laundry room. Dad keeps a hand on your shoulder, pulling you into a side hug. Next time something’s bothering you, just speak up about it, he says. You nod.

EB: thanks, dad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> People around here are all Ultimate Dirk this, Ultimate Rose that. Think, for a moment, with your brain: Ultimate Dad.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Slight content warning: There's a bit of internalized tranphobia that's briefly touched on.

TG: yo eb im coming over to your place

TG: karkats bringing the best shitty romcoms hes got its gonna be lit

TG: trust me you will love this shit see you in a bit

* * *

CG: EGBERT IGNORE DAVE’S ACCUSATIONS OF MY TASTES IN MOVIES.

CG: I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW THIS PARTICULAR FILM WAS OF INSTRUMENTAL IMPORTANCE TO MY KNOWLEDGE OF QUADRATIC RELATIONSHIPS GROWING UP

CG: IT’S NOT SHITTY, DAVE CAN GO FUCK HIMSELF.

* * *

GT: egbert old chum!

GT: figured id try and drop by at some point! Heard from jane that you’ve been having a whopper of a bad time recently chap!

GT: dirks a little absorbed in some new shennaniganery hes got planned for our next old fashioned scrum so dont think its a bother!

* * *

GG: hey!!!

GG: i was visiting the carapacian kingdom and i found this AMAZING little cafe!

GG: theyve got these little cakes with our old shirt logos on them, its so cute!

GG: i bought a bunch that i cant possibly eat all on my own, so im coming over!

* * *

TG: ayyyy jegbert~!

TG: me an callie are bored outta our friggin SKULLS over here

TG: wanna chill? we still gotta finish that new she-ra dealy, last season absolutely fucked pal

* * *

TT: Hello, old friend.

TT: I seem to have found myself alone at home for the day; I’ve been feeling a little under the weather, so Kanaya’s been supervising the brood caverns herself lately.

TT: It would mean ever so much to me if you would drop by. 

TT: My heart aches for the company of my fellow man, but is cucked by the cruel ministrations of this fucking headache.

You nearly snort cereal from your nose as you read Rose’s most recent text. Something something, flighty broads, snarky horseshit, blah blah. You know the old song and dance. 

It’s been a few weeks since the party. Your house is miraculously still clean, in no small thanks to the nearly endless line of friends coming over on a damn near daily basis to hang out. You’ve got friends coming out the wazoo, no way you can hold all of these friends. 

It’s nice. You feel… kinda better? There’s still something negging you, just barely in the back of your mind that you can’t seem to shake off. Something that eats at you a little bit every time you have to shave, every moment you spend in the shower or picking out an outfit. 

As clean and habitable as your house has been lately, you think now might be as good a time as any to bring your hang sessions elsewhere. Being a host is- well, actually it’s not bad. But these same walls are making you antsy.

EB: sure thing! i can swing by!

EB: you need me to pick up anything for you?

EB: if your headache’s that bad, maybe you could use some ibuprofen?

TT: I appreciate the gesture, but I do in fact have an alchemiter right here. 

EB: oh. duh.

EB: man, why do corporations even exist here when we’ve got alchemy?

EB: don’t tell jane i said that.

TT: My lips are sealed.

TT: Now, are you coming over or not?

EB: gimme a sec, my cereal’s getting soggy enough as it is >:B

TT: Oh, forgive me. Can’t have your cornflakes go to waste.

You finish up your bowl of LUCKY CHARMS instead of correcting Rose on her incorrect assumptions of your cereal habits. Corn flakes, really? You’re not some old-at-heart type like she is. Bluh.

You’re ready and out the door in record time. You were pretty sure you remembered where Rose and Kanaya’s place in the Troll Kingdom was- in spite of their appearance at Jane’s party weeks ago, the two apparently haven’t spent too much time either outside their domicile, or tending to the new Mother Grub. Kanaya’s texted you a couple times, inviting you over to see the whole wonderful new dawn of a new generation of trolls- meet her coworkers, make some new friends, learn about alien reproduction. You’ve politely declined, on the grounds of you definitely don’t want an alien egg implanted into your chest. 

She keeps trying to assure you that isn’t how it works. Sneaky, sneaky, Kanaya- you weren’t gonna get xenomorph’d any time soon!

* * *

Egbert knocks the classic “shave and a haircut” pattern, signifying their arrival. Only ten minutes have passed since they texted that they would be on their way- I’m honestly surprised at their swiftness. Though, if any of us were to have a proclivity to the flight granted by god tiering, an Heir of Breath would be it.

I set my knitting down, and quickly make my way to the door. A dull ache throbs below my skull, but I refuse to let physical ailment stop me from my task.

The door opens. Their familiar, broad frame shadows the entryway; hair longer now, and tied back out of their immaculately shaved face. Those same old square frames rest upon their face, and Egbert’s bright cerulean eyes light up behind them as they register me.

“Rose! Hi!”

I smile. Their joy is more palpable now than at Jane’s party- that much was obvious to me. Looking back, I feel a moment of guilt; happy as I am now to see my friend around, when I first saw them there, I was… well, to put it simply, if my lovely wife hadn’t forced my hand I might have snubbed them for the perceived absence for the past year. 

“You certainly didn’t waste any time getting here,” I reply, ushering them inside. They’re a little softer around the middle than I remember, but Egbert certainly rose up through the heights of the tallness escheladders- puberty had done them a favor there, at least. 

They stop in the foyer, hand scratching the back of their neck, taking in the sights of my home.

“It’s so… clean.”

“Hm?”

Egbert shrugs, letting out a nervous laugh.

“I dunno- I mean, I kinda remember your room being a bit of a mess way back when,” they give me a grin that I assume to be placating, and I simply shake my head in return.

“Ah, of course- and nobody changes from who they were as a thirteen year old.”

They splutter, and I only manage to take a little joy in their discomfort, before placing a hand on their arm. And thus starts my night of subtle suggestions.

“I’m just messing with you, don’t get your boxers in a wad.”

They laugh nervously, and I guide them to the living room. It is pristine- aside from the couch, where my many lounging pillows and blankets lay in a heap, as a reminder of my recurring physical state. 

“Now, enough of that- I think I have an activity we might both enjoy.”

Egbert flops onto the couch, cocking an eyebrow.

“Yeah?”

“You are aware of Dave’s alternate timeline self being involved in cinema, yes?”

They roll their eyes, “Oh, come on- we’re not gonna watch Dave’s shitty movies, are we? They’re so bad, I can’t even make fun of them!”

“I happen to think they are quite subversive and interesting,” I say, making my way to the television console, “But if you tell him that, I will deny it vehemently.”

“Haha, okay sure.”

“At any rate, you are only half correct,” I open the door, perusing the small collection of physical media I have alchemized, “There is one film that he had collaborated on, that I have honestly been hesitant to watch until this point.”

Ah, there it is. I pull out the jacketted Blu-ray sleeve, presenting the case to Egbert.

“How do you feel about absolutely riffing on the film adaptation of Complacency of the Learned?”

* * *

“Seriously, what the hell even is Calmasis’ deal?” Egbert plastered an incredulous look on their face, waving a hand about wildly, “Like, I get that they’re all upset about the wizardy bull shit, but come on! They’re falling right into the same old roles as the Learned!”

I blink a little, caught off guard. They weren’t exactly wrong about that, but it was a more coherent criticism than I expected. That, and…

“I’m a little surprised- I thought I might have had to correct you on their gender.”

Egbert pauses their diatribe, looking over.

“Huh? Oh, yeah- I mean, me and Roxy watched that new She-Ra show like a week ago, and uhhhhhhhh…”

They start snapping their fingers, trying to jog some sort of memory. That’s actually rather endearing- how passionate they’ve become about things.

“Double Trouble! That’s the one- they’ve got the whole non binary thing going on, too!”

“Ah, yes- I had heard about it. Though, I must admit I am a little exhausted that any sort of representation of said spectrum of gender seems relegated to fantastical species instead of humans or trolls.”

Egbert shrugs, letting out a noncommittal grunt.

“I dunno- I guess I can see that being a problem? But I don’t think I’d have even heard about it if I didn’t watch that show. I didn’t even know that was a thing a person could be- human, troll, or otherwise!”

“Introducing the concept to others is, I suppose, a step towards progress.”

They nod, and give me a questioning look.

“So, uh… any reason that Calmasis doesn’t stick with boy or girl, as far as identity goes?”

Oh- oh, good fucking lord, Egbert- I’m supposed to be asking those kind of leading questions to you. A frown almost worms its way to my face, but I just shrug instead. Maybe I can swing this to my favor.

“I thought it would be healthy for me to explore some… gender issues, when I was younger, through the lens of fiction. Ultimately, I decided that I did, in fact, feel most comfortable with my femininity, but it was enlightening nevertheless.”

They are silent for a moment, staring at the screen as the credits continue to play. 

“Like… so that’s a thing you can just do?”

I nod, a small smile forming.

“Of course. Not everyone just starts off knowing who they are.”

They remain quiet. Well then, time to deploy the second phase of my plan.

“Looking back, I’m actually a little disappointed I didn’t get to participate in some… typically feminine group activities. Hard to do when you don’t have many real life friends to invite to slumber parties and whatnot, but my point stands.”

“What, you couldn’t have cool slumber parties on the meteor?”

“Having a murderous clown that needs constant supervision around sort of dampens the mood.”

“Oh, right- that guy.”

I fidget with the hem of my skirt, trying to put on an air of honest nervousness, and Egbert looks over.

“What’s up?”

“I don’t suppose you would be… opposed to possibly entertaining these old desires of mine?”

They look a little taken aback, before darting their eyes around the room and stiffening.

“Uhhhhhhhh… hold up, this isn’t a prank or anything, is it?”

“I am being completely sincere.”

Their frown deepens- oh, come on Egbert, don’t be so stubborn.

“I dunno, Rose, wouldn’t that be kinda weird? Like, what, are we gonna do each other’s make up or something? This might be shocking, but I’m not exactly an expert in that kind of stuff.”

“I wouldn’t mind if the end product was ridiculous, it’s more just the bonding aspect. I just… want to share a fun activity with a friend, is that too much to ask?”

Guilt flashes across their face. No, wait- oh, god damn it, that’s not what I was trying to imply there- your past silence is understandable, don’t be like this Egbert.

“Egbert-“

“No, I mean- yeah, I’ve been kind of a shitty friend recently. I’m-“

“No, I didn’t mean to imply-“

We both quiet down, and I avert my gaze.

Shit.

“... I am sorry, Rose.”

“It’s not… Egbert, I understand, I really do. I did not mean to come across as trying to guilt you into anything. I was just…”

“I mean, we can try it.”

My eyes widen, and I look over. Their face has reddened considerably, and they scratch the back of their head like some sort of demure anime protagonist. Oh, you dork.

“It’s not like I was really opposed to it? I just needed to, uh, think about it a bit.”

“We can start with something simple- like nail polish, if that makes you more comfortable.”

They nod, slowly, “Yeah, I think that… yeah. Sounds nice.”

Success! Alright Lalonde, don’t get too cocky about this. I uncaptchalogue my makeup kit, setting it down on the coffee table and pulling out a black bottle of nail polish.

“I don’t really dabble outside of my preferred palette, unfortunately,” I say, grabbing their hand and steadying it- they’re shaking just a bit. It’s alright, friend, no need to be nervous.

“But the good news is, I’m fairly certain black looks good on just about anyone.”

I work my magic on them. My practiced hand makes quick work of their nails- and in no time at all they’ve got a soothing sheen of black polish applied. Their face lights up as they look at it- briefly, before they hastily apply a mask of neutrality.

“Wow, you’re really good at this, Rose.”

“I try.”

Egbert laughs, “Man, I hope you’re ready to be disappointed- I’m honestly not feeling totally steady right now.”

“We can hold off on your end of the bargain, if you wish. Performance anxiety can be a real bitch, I know.”

They snort back a laugh, and I grin- a genuine grin.

“Well, what do we do next, then?”

I reach up, carefully removing their glasses as they stiffen again. They can be quite adorable, with how nervous they are.

“I think it’s best if I get some eyeliner on that pretty face of yours.”

They’re practically steaming with how red in the face they are, looking away.

“God, Rose, I’m not pretty…”

“Oh hush, by the time I’m done with you, you’ll be the envy of ball-goers everywhere. The head belle of the whole event, I’m sure.”

I select an eyeliner pencil, and tilt their chin up at me. Their breath seems to catch in their throat, eyes wide.

“Shut your eyes, if you would.”

Their face scrunches up, and I suppress the urge to sigh.

“Not too tightly, we don’t want any gaps.”

They let out a breath, relaxing a bit more. Alright, that’s more like it. Slow, careful strokes keep the eyeliner steady- I select a swatch of midnight blue shadow, sure to compliment their eyes. Not too much, just enough to stand out. Blush, a little concealer, some contouring…

“Pucker your lips, please.”

And a dark, black gloss across the mouth. They look… I am actually at a loss for words. I can barely recognize the masculine person they were before; dare I say it, this might be my best work yet.

“Uh, can I… open my eyes?”

“Oh- yes, of course. Here, let me show you to the mirror.”

It takes minimal leading to find the full length mirror in the bedroom- when they see themselves they immediately halt. Their eyes widen, a hand going up to their mouth, and my own smile grows wider. Carefully, I reach a hand up behind them, and let their hair fall to length. This is it. The moment of truth. Come on, Egbert, you’re dense but surely you’re not that dense?

A laugh escapes their lips, and relief washes over me. Of course, I shouldn’t have been worried, I have every piece of datum of which choices would lead to the most fortunate outcome this evening. In retrospect, my hesitance seemed-

Wait… they’re not laughing. That’s hyperventilation. Wait, what?

“What- what the fuck is going on?!”

Wait, no- this was supposed to be the most favorable route, I Saw it- what is happening? They turn to me, panic clearly evident in their expression.

“Rose, what the hell are you trying to pull, here? What is- why am-!”

The fear in their voice immediately sets me on edge. No, I have to take control of the situation, what happened? What went wrong, what didn’t I See?

“Egbert- please, take a breath, you need to calm down.”

“Calm DOWN?!”

Oh fuck, oh god, no no no this is going bad. I need to See\- why is this happening like this?

“Egbert- J. Egbert please, I am trying to help you!”

“Help me with what?! I’m not supposed to- I shouldn’t feel like-!”

They start to back away, panic mounting.

“I’m supposed to be- I’m just the normal one! I’m- I-I’m just… just John Egbert! This isn’t, I can’t-“

Oh fuck, no please don’t regress on me please. I fucked it up, I fucked it up real bad here. I reach a hand out- wind starting to whip up around me, as Egbert’s powers manifest.

“It’s okay! It’s okay, you don’t have to be ready, I rushed this! John, please!”

They can’t hear me. With a sudden ZAP, everything.

Goes.

White.

8

7

6

5

4

3

2

1

I blink, trying to clear the spots in my vision. My room is now in a total state of disarray- books thrown from the shelves, papers and half-finished sewing projects strewn about.

And J. Egbert is missing.

Oh, shit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh god, what have I done- I need to call Jade, oh please be able to find them.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: More internalized transphobia, but don't worry June's finally getting a grip on it.

Out in the blackest reaches of paradox space, a lone figure zaps into existence. They are…

Right now, they don’t know who they are.

Drawing in a ragged breath, they try and center themselves- they can’t just go gallivanting off to the farthest corners of the furthest ring just because their friend was trying to-

Their breathing quickens, and they shove that thought under the rug of their mind, like many before it. No, now is not the time for that. Where ae they? What is even going on?

(Terezi): H3Y DUMB4SS, YOU’R3 BLOCK1NG TH3 V13W.

They whirl around, seeing a pair of figures sitting on the edge of cracking space, multicolored and strobing light pouring from the breaking points. (Vriska) elbows (Terezi) in the side, giving her a glare- at least, assumedly so. It’s hard to tell when the dreaming deads’ eyes are just pure white voids.

(Vriska): Don’t 8e an ass, Terezi.

(Vriska): She iiiiiiiis right, though- come on down, Eg8ert. 

(Vriska): Pop a squat, watch the end of all this 8ullshit with us. We gotta catch up!

(Vriska): Loving the look, 8y the way. Reaaaaaaaal fierce. 

They- no, you. You calm down a little bit, floating to their perch and trusting as the weight of your body finds purchase on solid ground, despite evidence to its lack. The only thing that breaks up the black of Paradox Space are the bright cracks in the distance, like a smashed computer screen that leaks strobing, rainbow light.

EB: yeah, i uh… i guess so.

(Terezi) and (Vriska) give each other a look- (Terezi) shrugs, turning back and looking towards the distance. (Vriska) rolls her eyes, and gives you a friendly elbowing in the side.

(Vriska): Alright, fiiiiiiiine, I’ll be the adult here.

(Vriska): What the hell is 8ing you, Eg8ert?

You inhale- but do you really want to be spilling your guts to (Vriska)? Or any version of Vriska, really? Your opinion on her is… complicated, to say the least.

EB: i don’t really wanna talk about it.

(Terezi): 4LR1GHT, W33N13.

EB: hey!

(Vriska) cracks a grin.

(Vriska): You aaaaaaaare 8eing a total weenie r8t now, t8h.

EB: am not!

(Terezi): 4R3 TOO.

EB: am not!

(Vriska): You totally, defin8ly are too.

That’s fucking it. You’ve had it. You’re flying off the handle right now, all this needling in you time of distress has topped out your bullshit-o-meter. You are booking a plane, that plane is heading down the runway, and the runway is this handle that you are currently flying off of. Every nerve in your body has been stepped on and you are SICK OF IT.

EB: BLUUUUUUUUH!!!!!!!!

EB: alright, fine! 

EB: you wanna know? you REALLY wanna know what’s fucking me up right now?

You’re standing now, teeth clenched as your earlier panic starts to transform into something more angry. (Vriska’s) eyes widen, and they lean back just a little.

(Vriska): Uh-

EB: i’m fucking upset because i’m supposed to be the fucking normal one!

EB: everyone else had their big epiphanies in the game, and i was just still regular old me!

EB: i’m happy for them! really, i’m fucking ECSTATIC!

EB: if it makes them happy, then i’m happy for them! but i’m not LIKE them!

EB: someone’s got-

EB: someone has to be-

EB: i’m supposed to be keeping them all together!

EB: i can’t just-

(Vriska): Woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, hold the fuck up!

(Vriska): Wh8t the hell actually happened?

(Vriska): Seriously, you’re REEEEEEEEALLY freaking out here, it’s kinda weird on you?

(Terezi): N4H, 3GB3RT FR34KS OUT 4 LOT 4CTUALLY.

(Terezi): USU4LLY OV3R DUMB SH1T, THOUGH.

(Vriska) frowns over at (Terezi), crossing her arms.

(Vriska): No, from my experience Eg8ert’s got a preeeeeeeetty solid handle on their 8ullshit. 

(Vriska): Like, unhealthily so.

(Vriska): Repression can only g8 you so far, Eg8ert.

She nods her head back to the spot you were sitting at, gesturing you to continue and tell her what actually happened, just… calmer, if you could. There’s a pit gnawing at your gut still, but you sit.

EB: ...it was rose.

(Vriska): Uuuuuuuurgh, what did fussyfangs 2: dum8 puny human edition do this time?

You fiddle with the edge of your hoodie, not looking at her as you start bouncing your leg nervously. 

EB: she, uh… she did this whole

EB: look.

EB: the make up and all that.

EB: and…

(Terezi’s) looking at you now, too. (Vriska) nods along.

(Vriska): Yeah?

EB: yeah- and i just

EB: when i saw what i looked like, i almost thought-

EB: i almost thought i looked like-

Your breaths are getting shorter again. You grip your leg, nails digging into the cloth. Come on, just fucking say it.

EB: it’s like… i kinda looked like a girl.

Silence. The quiet drags on, and you glance over at the two of them. (Vriska) seems unsurprised, and (Terezi) lets out a quiet groan.

(Terezi): 1S TH4T R34LLY WH4T 4LL TH1S W1GGL3R T13R DR4M4T1C BULLSH1T 1S OV3R?

(Terezi): YOU GOT 4 B1T P4N1CKY B3C4US3 L4LOND3 TR13D TO G3T YOU TO CR4CK YOUR 3GG 4 L1TTL3?

That white hot flare up of anger boils in you, and you have to actively keep it from seeping into your voice.

EB: yeah, because i’m not a-

EB: i can’t be, alright!

(Vriska): You’re not wh8t, Eg8ert?

She looks at you expectantly, arms crossed again.

(Vriska): If you’re soooooooo sure, then just say it!

(Vriska): It’s easy, right?

You open your mouth. You attempt to say the words.

Just fucking say it. 

She’s right, it’ll be easy. 

EB: … i’m

EB: i already said, i’m just… normal.

Coward.

(Vriska): And that the F8CK is that even supposed to mean?

You look back at her- now (Vriska’s) all tense, glaring at you with a fair amount of indignance.

(Vriska): What the F8CK ev8n 8s norm8l?!

(Vriska): It’s 8ullshit! 8t’s m8de up!

(Vriska): M8y8e some people don’t ST8RT 8eing a g8rl, that do8sn’t m8an J8CK SH8T!

(Vriska): How f8ck8ng 8ven D8RE you????????

EB: woah, what the hell!

(Terezi): Y34H, 3GB3RT, WH4T TH3 FUCK 1S WRONG W1TH YOU?

And now they’re both death glaring at you. Well, (Vriska) is- (Terezi) mostly just seems bored. Jesus, you really stepped in it and put your foot directly in your mouth afterward this time, huh? (Vriska) clenches a fist, closing her eyes and taking in a deep breath. Eight seconds later, she lets it out, looking away from you. 

(Vriska): Fuck, you’re so damn aggrav8ing sometimes. 

(Vriska): Denser than a sack of perfectly generic 8uilding o8jects, too. 

(Vriska): Let me ask you this- did it make you feel happy?

EB: what?

She glares at you again.

(Vriska): Happy.

(Vriska): You know- that positive emotion you feel when some part of your ident8y clicks, and suddenly eeeeeeeeverything in your life just makes a lot more sense?

EB: not everyone can just BE happy-

(Vriska): Just answer the f8cking question!

You jump away a little bit, grimacing. Your hands curl into tight fists, and you can feel your knuckles going white- you do your best to keep your stress stored just there, only keeping your fists tense before the rest of your body winds up and snaps. A lump forms in your throat, that you’re having just the hardest time swallowing. 

EB: i can’t…

EB: everyone else is already-

(Terezi): JUST B3C4US3 3V3RYON3 3LS3 S33MS 4LR1GHT DO3SN’T M34N YOU’R3 FORC3D TO B3 M1S3R4BL3 FOR TH3M.

(Terezi): TH3R3’S NO L4WS OF 3QU1V4L3NT 3XCH4NG3 GO1NG ON- YOUR H4PP1N3SS 1SN’T PR3D1C4TED ON 3V3RYON3 3LS3 B31NG UPS3T 1N YOUR ST34D.

(Terezi)’s ghost turns to you- and even with her stark white eyes you can almost feel her seeing right into your soul. Or maybe your mind? That was her whole title, right?

(Terezi): YOU’R3 4LLOW3D TO B3 H4PPY, DUMB4SS. 

You shut your mouth. You…

You really don’t have to shoulder everyone else’s burdens. You know this. It’s obvious, and doing otherwise is just unhealthy.

Everyone counted on you to save the day for so long, you…

Did you just forget to care about your own needs?

What makes you happy?

Does… this make me happy?

EB: … yeah.

EB: yeah, it did make me happy- for a bit.

EB: before i kind of just… did a massive swan dive off the handle over it. 

(Vriska) smirks, nodding.

(Vriska): Yeah, I fucking thought so. 

I look at her- everything feels so… DIFFERENT now! Is this really all it took? Is this really what was eating at me for so long?

EB: so… am i a girl then?

(Vriska): Do you want to 8e?

The next words out of my mouth come so fast, I almost don’t even realize it.

EB: yes- yes, i do!

(Vriska): Then congr8ulations! Welcome to the girl’s club!

(Vriska): Now th8 TH8’S all s8tled, can we PLEASE just watch the 8attle?

I nearly open my mouth to ask what the hell she is talking about, before the landscape- er, lack of landscape?- around us starts to shift. Where once was just black void cracked with rainbow strobing bull shit that was starting to give me a headache, ruddy red dirt and sand started to fade into existence. Oh- wait were we entering some kind of dream bubble? A cliff side materialized underneath our butts, providing a nifty ledge to sit and overlook the rapidly forming scenery. It was like we had finally entered the draw distance of this particular part of the map- I could see a cloud of dust form in the distance.

Were those… people?

EB: uhh, what exactly-

(Terezi): TH3 F1N4L B4TTL3- LOOKS L1K3 TH3 J3RK YOU S4V3D 1S ST1LL 4NGL1NG FOR SOM3 “R3L3V4NCY” BULLSH1T TH4T COULD ONLY B3 CONT41N3D 1N P4R4DOX SP4C3’S B1GG3ST LO4D G4P3R.

(Vriska) sucks in a big, cringey breath.

(Vriska): Yeaaaaaaaah, l8’s 8e real- I’ve had a lot of character development here that she hasn’t.

(Vriska): Honestly I wouldn’t 8e surprised if she was still looking to die some kind of dum8, heroic death.

EB: wait, THAT’S where vriska is?!

I stand up. Terezi- the still living one- was probably still rocketting around Paradox Space searching for her, and what- I accidentally jump right where she’s been this entire time? 

...GOD my life is so stupid sometimes?

EB: i need to get down there- bring her back, we can all-

(Terezi): TH4T’S 4 FUCK1NG T3RR1BL3 1D34.

I whip my head back to (Terezi), glaring. God damn it, could she put her weird fucking hate boner for me away for like, five seconds and let me just get my friend to safety?!

(Terezi): YOU KNOW 1T’S H1L4R1OUS TH4T YOU TH1NK TH1S 1S 4BOUT YOU.

(Terezi): W3LL, 1T K1ND OF 1S.

(Terezi): BUT 1N 4 MOR3 “1F YOU GO DOWN TH3R3 YOU 4R3 GO1NG TO D13 V3RY P41NFULLY” W4Y.

(Terezi): 4ND 4S MUCH 4S 1 DO W4NT TO T4CKL3 YOUR CUT3 BLU3 R4SPB3RRY 4SS TO TH3 N34R3ST ROCK 4ND G3T SOM3 W3LL D3S3RV3D H4T3 SMOOCH1NG GO1NG ON-

(Vriska): Gross.

(Terezi): -1 DON’T W4NT YOU TO D13 B3FOR3 YOU G3T 4 CH4NC3 TO 4CTU4LLY G1V3 B31NG 4 G1RL 4 SHOT.

Uuuuuuuurgh, I’m getting real tired of her cryptic bull shit and mind reading junk.

EB: and what exactly is going to kill me, miss know-it-all?

(Terezi) just points in the distance- opposite the army being lead by Vriska. I squint, blocking weirdly unsourced light that just kind of filters everywhere from my eyes as I look. 

Oh. That’s why.

He’s already here. 

That same green, skull-faced piece of shit I totally pummelled in the game. Except… super fucking yoked, now? Jesus Christ, what did that dude eat?

(Terezi): 3QU1US 4ND G4MZ33, 1F 1 R3C4LL CORR3CTLY.

EB: please stop doing the mind reading thing, it’s not funny.

(Terezi): W3’LL JUST H4V3 TO 4GR33 TO D1S4GR33 ON TH4T ON3, 3GB3RT.

Well, even if that’s the case, I can’t just sit around here and just watch it happen! If being here is dangerous, then I need to bounce- get back to Earth-C, to Rose and-

God, I hope Rose isn’t taking this too hard. Fuck, I really freaked out on her.

A massive, rumbling roar echoes in the distance. The army stops- I can barely make Vriska out in the front of it- hair blowing in the memory of the breeze that lives in this bubble. Standing, proud and confident.

I feel a twisting in my gut. Some part of me knows that she’s going to die, too.

Fucking, damn it! What fucking use is me finding her if I can’t get her? If I can’t bring her home!? Stupid retcon powers, fucking useless piece of-

I get a hold of my breathing. No, there has to be a solution. I’ve brought stuff with me before with retcon- fuck, I brought a whole planet with me and Roxy on it! I just need-

I just need to reach out and-

I feel something go white in my core. I focus on Vriska- the living one. She’s alive, and I sure as fuck plan on keeping it that way. 

FUCK Lord English.

FUCK this game!

SBURB wants me to lose my friends?

SBURB wants me to be miserable?!

WELL FUCK THAT!

I am the HEIR of BREATH and I will rip freedom from the jaws of this BULLSHIT universe for me and EVERYONE I care about!

I turn to the two ghosts, and give a small smile.

EB: try not to double die out here, okay?

(Vriska) gives me a curious look.

(Vriska): W8, wh8t are you-

I lash out the white hot cables of retcon- I can bring Vriska with me. I know I can. 

With a zap, everything once again goes white.

4

3

ERROR 

1

I stumble, appearing just a couple inches above the forest floor. A flock of birds start screeching- I suck in a breath of fresh air. 

Did I-

I turn, hearing the crunching of leaves underfoot, and…

There she is. The girl Terezi- the… well, I guess technically the dead one- had me retcon a whole three years for.

Vriska fucking Serket. She turns to me, a shocked look on her face. I grin, and give a little way.

EB: uh… hey! That was a close one, huh?

She’s still for a moment, staring at me. I shuffle on my feet- jeeze, this silence feels awkward. 

Finally, she takes a step towards me, and-

Vriska: Y8U P8ECE 8F SH8T!!!!!!!!

-And her fist flies towards my face.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> CW: Mentions of suicidal ideations. Vriska's not exactly okay either, gang.

EB: FUCKING OW!

Jesus fucking CHRIST, that hurts! Oh god- is my nose bleeding? I think my nose is bleeding! I face Vriska- hoo, boy does she look pissed. I mean, I’m not exactly fine and dandy myself right now- GOD that fucking hurts!

EB: what the fuck is wrong with you?!

Vriska: Wh8’s wrong with ME?!

Vriska marches up to me, grabbing me by the front of my shirt.

Vriska: WH8’S WRONG WITH ME?! WH8 THE F8CK IS WRONG WITH YOU!? I ALMOST HAD HIM, JOHN!

My name- fuck I’m gonna need a new one of those- pierces me emotionally, and I wince. With a yell, she tosses me to the forest floor, and I roll with it back to one knee. 

Vriska: I was TH8S F8CKING CL8SE-

She holds up a hand, her thumb and pointer finger basically touching to demonstrate her point.

Vriska: -And then Y8U just HAAAAAAAAD to 8ungle your F8CKING WAY IN!

I grit my teeth, standing up. Fuck THAT, I’m not taking this bullshit lying down!

EB: you were GOING to FUCKING DIE, you asshole!

I take a step forward- she seems caught off guard for just a moment. Bet you weren’t expecting me to fight back, huh Vriska?

EB: you and all those ghosts were SECONDS away from getting absolutely double dead, and you expect me to believe you had it handled!?

I poke her right in the sternum, teeth bared and a hurricane blowing through my veins. Jesus fucking Christ, I forgot how good Vriska was at pissing people off. I could feel the breeze coming at my call, tossing up the leaves around me as I continued my march on Vriska.

EB: i saved your fucking life! do you know how long we’ve all been waiting for you here!? do you know how long Terezi’s been missing- probably half dead in some ass end of paradox space- searching for you!?

Vriska’s shock seemed to have finally worn off, and her sharp fangs make themselves known behind her blue painted lips.

Vriska: May8e I fucking W8NTED to die! Did TH8 thought ever cross your sad, malformed human 8rain pan!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

I stop. What the fuck?

EB: what the hell is that supposed to mean?

Vriska growls, turning and pacing as she starts to rant. My breeze has stopped cold at this- Vriska wanted to die? Was she… really planning on that this whole time?

Vriska: Well let’s F8CKING recap, J*hnny b*y!

EB: okay, first-

Vriska: FIRST I fucking paralyze a guy because some orb-headed piece of SH8T got into my head like the fucking wiggler I am!

She holds up a finger- Oh my fucking GOD, is she really going to dramatically list off her sins? 

Vriska: SECOND I prolong this cycle of revenge, leading to the death of someone I considered a pretty damn close friend for a long time and the permanent fucking 8LINDING of Terezi!

EB: vriska-

Vriska: I’m not D8NE!!!!!!!!

She screams, balling her hands into fists and I’m shocked into silence. Blue streaks down her grey face, and my gut twists up- seeing Vriska completely lose it like this is… disturbing? Sad? 

It’s wrong, is what it is. 

Vriska: And AFTER all these COLL8SSAL F8CK 8PS I have the F8CKING G8LL to not only cre8 the NIGH UN8EATA8LE 8OSS that ruined our whole fucking session, 8ut APPARENTLY I fucked up so 8adly that Terezi had to make you reset the F8CKING TIMELINE so I wouldn’t get myself fucking killed long enough keep everyone ELSE’S SH8T TOG8THER! 

Her voice has gone hoarse and scratchy, and I’m wincing at every word. She stops for a moment, breathing heavily, her entire body shaking with rage. 

Vriska: And now- the only F8CKING thing I could possi8ly do to atone- my one fucking chance at a Heroic death- and Y8U.

She looks up at me again. The yellow whites of her eyes are rimmed with blue- bloodshot.

She takes a step toward me. I step back reflexively. She raises a shaking fist-

And collapses to her knees, a choking sob caught in her throat. 

...How long had she been holding that all in? Even the stuff about Terezi- god, that was all before her session. Did she… really never talk to anyone about this stuff?

Well… it’s not like I’ve been much better at talking to any of my friends about my game related traumas. 

Fuck.

EB: vriska-

Vriska: Just… just fucking save it, J*hn. I don’t-

Her shoulders shake as she does everything in her power to stop crying, but the tears keep coming. I kneel down next to her- fuck, I am absolutely out of my depth here. I mean- I’ve spent the better part of my life just never talking about my own emotions, what do I even say?

… I honestly don’t know if there’s anything I can say. So, I let my actions speak for me, and wrap my arms around her. She freezes up for a second, before snaking her arms around my back and gripping the fabric of my shirt tightly.

Vriska: I’m just such a massive f8ck up, I can’t f8ce her like- I c8n’t, I c8n’t-

I just sit there with her like that for a few minutes, giving her quiet shushes as my shoulder gets damp with her tears. It’s… fucking weird, honestly? Almost every interaction I ever had with Vriska, she was the one being all strong and trying to mold me into something approaching heroic. The one time she had ever been vulnerable before, I wasn’t even around to respond, and then-

Well, that un-happened, so I don’t know if it matters anymore. 

Vriska makes a snorting noise, taking in a deep breath as she finally starts to calm down.

Vriska: God, for a human you’ve really got the smoothest pale moves there, J*hn.

EB: about that.

I pull away, frown on my face and suddenly having trouble looking her in the face. 

I’ve got to start somewhere with this, right? She’s staring at me, wiping the tears from her eyes. Now or never, Egbert.

EB: so, i don’t really… like the name john anymore? it’s, uh…

She raises an eyebrow, and I can’t even tell if she’s picking up what I’m putting down, here. Fuck, what even was gender on Alternia? I mean, (Terezi) and (Vriska) seemed to get it, but what does-

EURGH STOP PROCRASTINATING, YOU DUMB ASS!

EB: it’s just a very kind of guy name, you know? or maybe you don’t- are gendered names even a- whatever, nevermind! i’m just-

Vriska: Not really “vi8ing” with 8eing a man?

I stop my rambling, and just nod. Her voice was quiet, and I wasn’t sure if it was derisive or not. 

EB: yeah. yeah, that about… sums it up.

She stares at me for a moment longer- god, please just say something? Make some kind of show that I can figure out what’s going on with you? I’m fucking begging, here-

And then she starts laughing- not a loud cackle like Terezi, or the boastful one of someone rushing head-first into a fight they’re convinced they can win. It’s quieter, breathy- almost understanding. She leans back, flopping onto the ground and staring up at the sky.

Vriska: Fucking called it. 

EB: called what? bullshit, this is like 21 years of my life i couldn’t figure this shit out!

She barks out another laugh- now this one sounds more like her proud, arrogant style- and shoots an incredulous look at me.

Vriska: God, really? Wh8, did you just sit around doing jack-shit and ignoring your emotional st8 for like the last three years?

EB: …

Her grin fades, replaced with a mix of confusion and realization.

Vriska: Oh my fuuuuuuuucking god, Eg8ert! How are you this dense!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!

EB: i don’t like thinking about myself, okay! it’s- it’s scary! and uncomfortable, and i just- it’s difficult to do!

I turn to her, my turn to get some answers now.

EB: besides, it’s not like i had many hints, alright?

Vriska: Are you kidding me?

She sits back up, going criss-cross-applesauce and pointing a finger at me.

Vriska: First off, I’ve seeeeeeeen the shit you wrote on your walls, Eg8ert. Th8 was, like, the first major clue.

EB: depression isn’t exclusive to the gays, vriska. 

She snorts a laugh.

Vriska: Fair- howeeeeeeeever, number two: you spent, like, a gooooooood chunk of your time before donning those godly pajamas in the outfit I alchemized for you. You know- the one based on my old look?

EB: it was… gender neutral?

Vriska: It was 8utch as hell, don’t even try that shit. And come on- you defin8ly make friends with girls more than guys.

EB: is that, like… a thing?

Vriska nods.

Vriska: Trust me, I’m kind of an expert in the su8ject. 

...Huh. Oh. Is that- oh, wow fuck. That… was incredibly insensitive of me to (Vriska), god no wonder she nearly bit my head off. 

Vriska’s continued on with her explanation, rushing headlong and not leaving me much time to ask any more questions. She was practically rambling- was that nervousness? 

Vriska: Anyways, all of th8 shit just… really tracked for me, and wh8 I had gone through 8efore, and I thought- “Damn. This weenie is almost em8arrassingly similar to the old me! I should pro8a8ly do them a favor and give that shell a couple good dru8s!” 8ecause…

She pauses for a moment, her animated movements slowing as she just tapped the forest floor with a claw.

Vriska: 8ecause… god damn, I would have given anything for that kind of help 8efore. 

EB: you, uh… probably shouldn’t have been as subtle about that.

I let out a small laugh, scratching the back of my head.

EB: i mean, you know- i’m not the best at reading people?

Vriska: Yeaaaaaaaah, th8’s fair enough- 8ut I didn’t want to just make you panic needlessly, either- yeah?

EB: fair.

It’s quiet between us for a moment, only the sounds of chirping birds and the breeze rustling leaves in the trees. Sunlight peaks through the boughs, and I shield my hand as I look upwards- that “Thanks For Playing” message long since faded. Thank god for that.

Vriska: Soooooooo… this is our ultim8 reward, huh?

I look over at Vriska- she’s taking in the scenery as well, turning a leaf over in her hand.

Vriska: Well, not as cool as immortal8y- 8ut it seems… nice enough.

EB: it grows on you.

Vriska chuckles at that- she can downplay it all she likes, I think this place is cool. Someplace to come home to-

EB: oh fuck!

Vriska whips her head around to me.

Vriska: Wh8?!

I slap a hand over my face, grimacing.

EB: oh, god dammit- i totally left rose in like an absolute panic, she’s probably- fuck, okay.

I grab Vriska by the hand, focusing on Rose’s place. 

Vriska: Hey, w8-

I picture Rose’s living room. The scent of candles made to smell like books, dark hardwoods, plush sofas- zap.

It’s the fastest I’ve zapped yet, and I stumble a couple steps across the floor of Rose’s living room. Vriska grabs me by the back of my shirt, keeping me from toppling while the collar drags into my neck. I catch my balance, stable on my feet and Vriska finally lets go, my lungs unobstructed. 

EB: ack- thanks!

Vriska: Don’t mention it.

She then proceeds to smack me on the back of the head.

Vriska: And quit teleporting me without warning, 8ulgemunch!

EB: sorry, sorry!

Rubbing the sore spot on the back of my head, I straighten up- I can hear Rose’s muffled voice coming from her bedroom. Even out here in the living room, things are kinda blown about- fuck, I did that didn’t I? Good fucking work, ass hole. 

I trudge straight towards the bedroom, and Rose’s conversation over the phone grows clearer.

Rose: -please, just keep trying Jade? I can’t- they were in a state when they left, you’ve got to be able to track them somehow! Smell them, or-

I push the door open lightly, causing a small squeak. Rose looks up- her eyes are puffy, mascara smudged from wiping it off her face. Fuuuuuuuuck, god damn it I didn’t want people to worry about-

She’s off her bed in a flash, phone tossed to the side as she throws her arms around me.

Rose: J*hn!

… I can figure that out later. I wrap my arms around her, holding tight.

Rose: Oh god, I’m sorry, I thought- I saw- I just wanted to help-

EB: hey, hey! it’s- it’s okay, rose. you, uh… i think you did, actually.

Vriska slow claps behind me, and I can practically feel her eyes rolling.

Vriska: Congr8ul8ions, Lalonde- if you can’t crack an egg in the mixing receptacle, then just 8ring out a mallet. 

Rose glances over my shoulder- recognition, and then bewilderment. She arcs an eyebrow in my direction.

EB: haha, yeah, uh, so i should probably explain a couple things that happened in the last half an hour.


	6. Chapter 6

EB: -and so she just decks me!

Vriska: Oh, don’t be such a crybaby about it! I barely put anything into that one.

EB: oh yeah, sure

EB: so you crying and screaming at me for a minute was all an act too, then?

Rose’s eyebrows both raise in surprise, glancing between the two of us.

Rose: Hold on- are you telling me that Vriska Serket displayed a moment of emotional vulnerability?

Vriska: Fuck off, Rose.

I just shrugged.

EB: i think it’s just been a long day for both of us.

Rose: I’ll say. Give me a moment- I believe I’m going to need to prepare something a bit more caffeinated than usual for when Kanaya returns.

Vriska: I’m not gonna have to knock a mug of 8ullshit out of her hands too, am I?

Rose: I promise, Kanaya is much more responsible with her use of mind-altering substances than I ever was.

Vriska mutters something that I’m pretty sure sounded like “she 8etter 8e”. I’ll… ask about that later. Alright, well at least this crisis was mostly averted. Go, Beta Squad. Yaaaaaaaay…

…

...God, it’s really quiet in here-

Just as I manage to have that thought, someone knocks on the door- fast, and not stopping. Hoo, jeeze- yeah, this quiet couldn’t have lasted too long, huh? I shoot Vriska a grimace from the other end of the couch, and make my way to the door.

EB: i got it.

There’s a single hum of acknowledgement from the kitchen, and my hand goes to the handle, swinging the door inwards. Jade and Kanaya stand on the other side, and the moment Jade sees me, she freezes.

EB: uh… hey! i’m, uh... i’m back-

The wind is immediately knocked out of me as Jade scoops me into a crushingly tight hug. 

Jade: jesus FUCKING christ dont ever do that to me again!!!

Oof, alright alright- everyone’s getting in on the Egbert hug train today. I wrap my arms back around her, lightly patting her on the back. 

EB: hey- i’m sorry. i’m okay, it’s okay-

Jade: its NOT OKAY!!!

Jade pulls away, and boy does she look pissed. I swear, even her fluffy hair is standing up on end here- uh… guess everyone’s getting on the Yell At Egbert train today, too?

She’s gripping me tightly by the arms as she spills her guts.

Jade: when rose called me and said you disappeared i just- i thought it was all happening again! just like the ship, i- god, j*hn i never felt so scared in my life, i thought we had lost you again!

EB: wait, the ship-

...oh. Right. This… wasn’t the Jade I spent three years on the ship with, playing the Ghostbusters MMO. God, it’s really stupid but I forget that a lot? That these are all versions of my friends that got to the Alpha session… without me. This was a Jade that I had-

Fuck. Fuck! God dammit, why do I keep fucking making my friends cry this sucks, I’m so fucking stupid-

Vriska: Harley, please- you’re smarter than that. You should know th8 my protege wouldn’t 8ite it so easily. She’s made of tougher stuff. 

Once again, Vriska interrupts my thoughts about how much I objectively suck as a person. All of us by the door turn to her- Jade, thrown by enough of a loop that she’s stopped crying- and Kanaya looking… tense? There’s probably a better word for it than that.

Jade: is that-

Kanaya: Vriska

Jade: what is she- how did she get here?

Kanaya: Why Does She Have Her Dirty Sneakers Propped Up On My Coffee Table

At precisely that moment, Rose glides by and hands Kanaya a mug of black coffee, still steaming, and pats her lightly on the shoulder. Kanaya blinks, glances down at the mug, up at Rose, and sighs before taking a sip.

Kanaya: You Are Too Wonderful Rose

Rose: I try. 

Vriska hops up from the sofa, shoving her hands into her jean pockets and smirking as she moseys up to the group.

Vriska: Wh8, no warm welcoming me 8ack, Kanaya? Come on, one of you aside from Eg8ert had to have missed me.

Kanaya: I Believe I Simply Just Need More Time To Process This As A Fact That Is True

Kanaya takes another, long sip from her coffee.

Kanaya: And At Least Two More Cups Of This

* * *

Another a cup and a half of coffee later, I managed to fill everyone in about my accidental journey back into Paradox Space. That, and…

Jade: i have a sister!!!

Jade had me back in another hug- god, her arms were strong! Her tears were now dry, and this time the hug was a happy one. Plus, the fact that she was calling me sister already was... It was honestly so relieving. Like I could breathe again, and also just made me feel so fucking happy? Like, duh- of course they weren’t going to be assholes about this.

But… it was still a little scary to admit it to them. 

Kanaya: Have You Decided On A Name?

Jade relinquished her grasp on me, gasping.

Jade: oh! oh oh oh! yeah thats super important! calling you egbert is kinda…

She wiggles her hand a little.

Jade: weird? like, it feels so impersonal! youre not only one of my oldest friends but also my sister!

She’s bouncing in her seat a little at that, and I can’t help but smile a little.

EB: i uh

EB: i don’t know! honestly me figuring it out kind of just happened so fast i haven’t really had the time?

Vriska: I’m sure someone here’s got suggestions.

Rose: Perhaps... Joan?

Kanaya: Oh That One Is Quite Lovely

I frown a bit. Now that one almost feels...

EB: i dunno, isn’t that kinda lazily derivative? aren’t you supposed to be some super creative writer, rose?

I send her a look, hopefully letting her know that I’m just busting her chops a little for fun. Rose just rolls her eyes.

Rose: A fair assessment. I just assumed something familiar might be more your speed- you are slow to accept new ideas at times.

Okay, that’s fair. Thanks for absolutely reading me for filth, Rose. Kanaya let out a hum, swirling the last gulp of her coffee around in the mug. 

Kanaya: Perhap Jannis?

Vriska barks out a laugh. I hear the sound of the fridge being kicked shut from the kitchen shortly before Vriska rounds the corner, bottle of water in hand.

Vriska: Reaaaaaaaally, Kanaya? A high-8looded name?

Kanaya straightens up- is she getting defensive?

Kanaya: If nothing else it is quite elegant.

Vriska: So pretentious!

Jade: maybe jennifer?

Vriska: I’m thinking “Jezika”~!

EB: jessica?

Vriska shook her head, taking a gulp of water.

Vriska: Noooooooo, JEZika!

EB: that’s exactly what i said!

Ugh, I really wasn’t feeling many of these names. And apparently, I was showing it- Rose fixed me with a concerned look.

Rose: You know you don’t have to choose the perfect name immediately, right?

EB: yeah, yeah, i know.

Just… something as a placeholder. It’ll be fine- anything was better than the other one.

EB: how about…

Liv: liv?

Silence. Then, Rose finally spoke up.

Rose: As in… Liv Tyler?

Liv: i mean, it’s a pretty enough name!

Rose: Hmm. And here I thought you saw Nic Cage as more of a parental figure-slash-role model. I did not think to bring Bruce Willis into the equation.

Thankfully, I wasn’t drinking anything, or else I probably would’ve sprayed it everywhere. Vriska only barely managed not to choke on her water.

Liv: i’m not- rose!

Rose: I mean, I am quite aware we are two different people.

Liv: rose lalonde i swear to god i will find the nearest handle in this house and get sued by dave for stealing his schtick because i am FLYING OFF OF IT!

And then she has the nerve to laugh! I’m being serious here- Nic Cage is NOT some weird psychological father figure self-insert! This sucks! I hate this! I hate this so much!!!!!!!!

Vriska puts a hand on my shoulder.

Vriska: Liv, seriously- chill the fuck out. 

And then she gives me a look- a small smile, one eyebrow quirked- as I stand up straight. God, that… feels so much better to hear than the old name. Jade lets out a small coo, her tail starting to thump against the couch as my sudden burst of internal confidence proves infectious. 

Jade: yeah, dont listen to rose, liv is a cute name, liv!

Kanaya: So Long As It Makes You Happy Liv Then I Do Not See Why You Can Not Choose It.

Kanaya also shoots a look at Rose, who sighs.

Rose: Apologies, my flightiness seemed to have gotten the better of me. It is a very nice name, Liv.

Okay yeah that’s- yes. Yes! God, okay cool yes! I honestly really cannot stop grinning at everyone using my new name, this is- I don’t even know what the word is, but-

Vriska: Feels euphoric, huh?

I turn to Vriska.

Liv: yeah- yeah, it... god, my cheeks are starting to hurt from smiling like this!

She laughs, slapping me on the back.

Vriska: You’re too damn adora8le, Liv. Alright, wh8’s next on the agenda?

Well, it seems obvious to me.

Liv: i need to let every one else know. i am- god, i cannot spend a single second longer pretending to be the other guy.

Kanaya nods in agreement.

Kanaya: Perhaps A Little Hasty But I Do Understand The Sentiment.

Jade: yeah! oh, i can text dave- get him over-

Liv: god, dave and karkat live forever away from here though- like, almost everyone does.

I cross my arms, frowning.

Liv: took me like a whole hour of flying just to get here. and honestly- i feel like i’m about to burst any second now.

Jade hummed, tapping a finger to her chin.

Jade: i mean… i could just teleport them-

Oh. Oh, right yeah! Wait, that was totally an option.

Liv: that’s a good idea, actually! hang tight, i got this.

Jade: wait, you got-

The edges of my form went fuzzy for a brief second, blue and white flashing more quickly than it had in a while-

ZAP

Jane: GOOD GRACIOUS!

Dave: fuckin-

Karkat: -FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS THAT ARE SACRED!

Jane now stood on top oF the coffee table, slightly croUChed and wide-eyed as she tried to stay balanced. Karkat was on top of Dave, both of them splayed on the back of the couch. Roxy stood, apparently mid-step, before fallING flat on her face, Callie right beHind heR. There was a flushIng sound, and Jake STepped out of the bathroom, bewildered.

Jake: What the good jolly dickens-?

Roxy: fuckin ow!

And at last, a final knock on the door- short, and to the point. Dirk didn’t wait for anyone to open it, letting himself in. He looked probably the least ruffled after I retconned everyone to being here.

“So. That happened. Where’s the fire, Egbert?”

Alright, note to self- gotta shake the rust off of the retcon. I grin at the newcomers.

Liv: sorry for that, guys! but i’ve just got some important news!

Jane gives me an exaggeratedly confused look.

Jane: Egbert, I do apologize in advance for my French, but what the good, sweet, FUCK did you have to do that for?! I was in the middle of a meeting!

Well, I guess that explains the suit. 

Liv: well you see-

“Hold the fuck up.”

Oh my gooooooood, can I go ONE word without getting interrupted? I turn, now a little annoyed to look at Dirk, who is pointing at Vriska. Great, cool, yes I’m about to explain that, buddy.

“She shouldn’t be here.”

Vriska: Well, fuck you too, dude.

Liv: yes, i am getting to that-

“Like. At all. Why is she here?”

Rose: Father dear, if you will let Liv explain.

Dirk turns to Rose, first discomfort and then confusion actually breaking his normally blank expression.

“Wha- Who?”

I wave.

Liv: me. that would be me. i am, as of right now, going by the name liv. becauuuuuuuuse-

I point at Vriska, who thankfully gets my gist and starts a drumroll on the coffee table. Thank god for people who can understand the craft of drama.

Liv: -i figured out what was wrong with me!

Liv: turns out it was gender. apparently only surprising very few people.

There’s a beat of silence... before Dave shoves Karkat off of him, earning a screech.

Dave: oh shit dog congrats damn here i was thinking it was super fucking weird how we have like only one token straight dude here but nah turns out the ladies got another convert

Dave: did rose welcome you to the winning team or whatever dumb shit shed probably say

Rose: Oh, I assure you, I was going to wait until the next meeting of the Misandrist Illuminati before performing the sacred rites. 

Dave: damn fuckin knew it

Kanaya: Misandrinati

Rose turns to Kanaya, smiling and shaking with held-back laughter, while Kanaya simply sits there, proudly. Jane finally remembers she can fly, and floats off the coffee table. She brushes her skirt before she fixing me with a stern look.

Jane: Eg- Liv. Believe me, I could not be happier for you. Stars and garters, if half of us here don’t have problems with self reflection, and it prides me to see you taking care of that.

She puts a hand on my shoulder, and squeezes just a little too tightly.

Jane: But for the love of everything near and dear, *please* text before you decide to teleport me out of an important merger meeting. 

Liv: sorry, i just- i could not put this off for even a second longer.

Jane sighs, and the stress leaves her face before she smiles at me- and wraps me up in a friendly, familial hug.

Jane: I get it, dearie. 

Jake: Much as i agree with the old bird i must say i am right proud of you too dear Liv!

And just like that, the family moment gets awkward as Jake steps up, slapping me square between the shoulder blades. Jesus Christ, is that why they call arms “guns” sometimes? The trio becomes a quartet as Roxy, grinning from ear to ear, lets out SOME kind of noise and wraps all three of us up in her arms.

Roxy: oh! em! JESUS! liv that is abso-friggin-lutely baller of you, girl!

God, I honestly can’t help but smile back. Roxy’s mood is pretty infectious. 

Karkat: WOW, WHAT A SHOCK. LIV EGBERT REPRESSES HER EMOTIONS TO AN UNHEALTHY DEGREE, LEADING TO AN ISOLATED STATE OF DEPRESSION. I AM HONESTLY FUCKING GOBSMACKED THAT I DIDN’T PICK UP ON THIS, IT REALLY DOES SEEM OBVIOUS IN HINDSIGHT.

In spite of the, eh… “scathing” take down of my character, Karkat seems about as happy as the rest of them- Dave leaning against his side with his arms crossed.

“I’m sorry, what?”

Roxy glanced over at Dirk, her grin evaporating and turning into a mild glare.

Roxy: jfc dirk we ain’t gonna have a problem here, are we?

Dirk stares at the group like we’ve all drank from the forbidden Kool-Aid. He almost seems rooted to the spot where he first entered the house- rigid, working his jaw. I feel a pit form in my stomach- sure, I don’t really know the guy, but… why was he of all people acting weird about this?

“I- no, Jesus, Roxy- I am not going to cause a problem over something as trivial as gender, come on- you know me better than that. I’m just-” he waves his hands around for a sec, frowning, “Okay- first of all, the impromptu teleportation-”

Kanaya’s leans over to Rose and whispers-

Kanaya: Impromportations

-Earning a giggle from her wife.

“-perhaps threw me off my groove. Plus, I figure I’m, at the very least, a pretty observant guy. Got a functional pair of peepers beneath these kickass shades, overlooking and observing the various traits and shenanigans of my friends whenever they happen to share my field of vision.”

Roxy: ur ramblin, dude.

“It’s what I do,” He waves a hand dismissively, “So like- yeah. Congrats on the gender, Egbert. Hell of a way to throw a guy’s expectations out to left field.”

He turns back to the door, hand on the knob, “Now, if you’ll excuse me- I was kind of in the middle of something. Hopefully the workshop hasn’t burned down in the middle of my welding.”

Roxy: oh, heck no you DONT, mister!

Roxy releases the three of us from her death grip, marching over to Dirk. She stabs a finger pointedly at his chest.

Roxy: this is the 1st time u + the rest of us have gotten 2gether w/o it bein a whole big thing! you can’t just walk out in the middle of it, come on man!

Jane: Roxy- the man is busy. And honestly, so am I!

Jane pulls away as well, taking a few steps forward.

Jane: Seriously, the board is going to have my head if I don’t-

Roxy: if you don’t WHAT, jane?!

She whirls on Jane, lip quivering. Oh… well fuck, okay. Guess this is happening now?

Roxy: ur a fuckin GOD, jane! who gives a single, solitary rat’s ASSHOLE what some stuffed business shirt wants from you? you got secretaries! fuckin “crocker corp” can manage itself just fine for, like, an hour!

Callie quietly makes her way over, placing a clawed hand on Roxy’s shoulder.

Callie: roxy…

Roxy: youre supposed 2 b my FRIEND, jane! all of you! but u just fucked off 2 do ur own thing and i barely even SEE you guys anymore!

Her eyes are wet now, and a single sniffle escapes from her.

Roxy: i fuckin MISS you guys, an the first chance we get to hang just… casual like, y’all wanna leave!

The silence that follows is… honestly fucking gut wrenching. God, I mean- I had KIND OF an idea that Roxy felt like that- I mean, she said a few things at Jane’s party, but-

Jane sniffs once as well, her voice cracking.

Jane: I- I’m sorry! I just- I-I missed you, too-hoo-hoo!

Jane’s words dissolve into tears, and immediately the two of them hug each other- salty streams of liquid, volatile emotions pouring from their eyes. Dirk grimaces, reaching a hand out hesitantly, before Jane glares and jerks her head, wordlessly ordering him to get in on this group hug going on, buster! 

...Jesus, Dirk is an awkward hugger. 

Jake rounds out the alpha group, Callie standing sort of awkwardly to the side, but still smiling. She looks over at me and gives a thumbs-up, which I return with one of my own goofy grins. 

Dave: hey were not gonna start going totally apeshit at each other next are we

I roll my eyes as Dave stage-whispers at me before throwing an arm around his shoulder.

Liv: oh drop the cool kid bull shit for a sec and let them have this. 

Rose: I… suppose we have been drifting a bit, as of late. 

Jade: yeah…

Rose: I’ve just been so busy with… well, everything, honestly. Perhaps we ought to make some sort of regular thing? Check in on each other? 

I nod.

Liv: that honestly sounds nice.

* * *

About half an hour later, after all the tears have been cried and promises to do better at keeping in touch were exchanged, all of us remain gathered in Rose’s living room. She put back on the movie we were watching earlier, but aside from some standard Rose and Dave banter at notable moments in the film, we mostly ignore it. 

It’s… normal. Normal- and nice. Just a bunch of friends, hanging out and palling around. It’s mind boggling how much I just missed hanging out with everyone. 

Guess that’s just a thing that gender depression bull shit does to a person’s brain, huh? 

We sit through the entirety of the movie. Karkat keeps bustling back and forth to the kitchen to make popcorn- god I hope he doesn’t use up everything Rose has in her cabinets. I’ll have to make like… an apology grocery run for her. Alchemiter or no, it’s the thought that counts. 

Even after the multiple-hour run time of the film comes to a conclusion, we all stick around. Chatting, actually catching up on stuff. Vriska keeps trying to egg on Kanaya to spill the “Juicy deets” of her “Weird xenophiliac marriage”, and honestly it’s kinda funny seeing Kanaya so absolutely done with her. 

My phone buzzes, and I tuned out the conversations for a sec.

\--gallowsCalibrator [GC] started trolling ectoBiologist [EB] at 21:47--

GC: H3Y CH3CK TH1S SH1T OUT

GC: --gallowsCalibrator sent SN4P34.png--

EB: wow how the hell do you fuck up space that bad?

EB: it’s like someone took a bat to a window that was just barely keeping out an ocean of the gayest sunshine imaginable!

GC: H3Y 1’M NOT COMPL41N1NG, 4LL TH3S3 COLORS T4ST3 FUCK1NG D3L1C1OUS

EB: yeah that tracks :B

GC: SO WH4T’S UP ON BOR1NG HUM4N 34RTH?

EB: i mean that’s not nearly accurate at all, how you just described earth-c.

EB: but things are actually pretty great right now?

EB: i’m at rose’s house.

EB: uh, turns out i may be a girl now actually!

EB: surprise!

GC: OH SN4P!

GC: 1 W4S 4BOUT TO JUST N33DL3 YOU FOR ONLY NOW L34V1NG YOUR H1VEBLOCK BUT H3Y TH4T 4CTU4LLY SOUNDS L1K3 4N 1MPORT4NT TH1NG YOU’V3 JUST F1GUR3D OUT

GC: ONLY TOOK YOU, WH4T, T3N SWEEPS?

GC: >:]

EB: yeah, yeah, i’m bad at thinking, i’ve already heard that once from you today.

EB: well- a different you.

GC: >:?

EB: kind of accidentally zapped out into paradox space earlier because i totally flipped out when rose put some make up on me.

EB: your next words will be “wow, what absolute wiggler tier bullshit.”

GC: WOW, WH4T 4BSOLUT3 W1GGL3R T13R BULLSH1T.

GC: H3Y!

EB: heheheh! god you’re so predictable!

GC: L13S 4ND SL4ND3R! 1 W1LL S33 YOU 1N COURT FOR D3F4M4T1ON OF MY CH4R4CT3R!

EB: lol

EB: --ectoBiologist sent partypic.png--

EB: anyways, you’re missing a killer party.

EB: though it is winding down, so you probably would not make it here in time, anyways.

GC: OK4Y HOLD TH3 FUCK UP 3GB3RT

GC: L1K3 4CTU4LLY SHUT UP 1 4M JUST 4BOUT TO FL1P MY PROV3RB14L COOKW4R3 COV3R1NG D3V1C3

GC: B3C4US3 1 SW34R TO 3V3RYTH1NG YOU HOLD S4CR3D TH4T 1 JUST T4ST3D VR1SK4 1N TH1S PHOTO

GC: 4ND SUR3LY YOU 4R3 NOT DUMB 3NOUGH TO NOT 1MM3D14T3LY L34D TH1S CONV3RS4T1ON W1TH TH3 F4CT TH4T YOU H4V3 M4N4G3D TO F1ND TH3 TROLL 1 H4V3 B33N SCOUR1NG TH3 L1T3R4LLY 1NF1N1T3 3XP4NS3 OF P4R4DOX SP4C3 FOR.

GC: 1 MUST B3 M1ST4K3N B3C4US3 TH3R3 1S NO W4Y YOU 4R3 TH4T FUCK1NG P4N FR13D 4S TO NOT 1MM3D14T3LY T3LL M3 TH4T YOU FOUND HER.

EB: um.

EB: hypothetically if i were that dumb?

GC: 1 4M COM1NG OV3R TH3R3 TO K1CK YOUR 4SS, 3GB3RT!

\--gallowsCalibrator [GC] stopped pestering ectoBiologist [EB]\--

… Well. Fuck.

**Author's Note:**

> Author ==> Make this shit  trans-pire 


End file.
